It's not what you think

A few minutes ago I unthinkingly held the door open for a gay man that I know for a fact has a crush on me. Now I keep half expecting to come back to my desk and find flowers on it.

Delicious

I once saw a praying mantis eat a grasshopper's head. This does not make me feel any better about the natural course of the universe.

Harlot

If you are in the drive-through line at the cleaners, and you offer to pay for the clothes of they guy behind you just because he's young and driving a sports car... you're not bold, you're a slut.

Just don't

If you use the term "blogosphere", someone should hold you down and beat you with a bar of soap wrapped in a towel.

My concern is limited

My mother keeps telling me to get burial insurance or else they'll bury me in a plywood box. I always tell her that that would be a terrible waste of plywood.

If people are going to remember me, it probably won't be because my rotting corpse is surrounded by beautiful mahogony.

Business 101

Someone should tell the crack dealers around here that 10:15 AM on a Sunday morning is the wrong time of day to successfully ply their trade. Don't modern drug addicts have any business sense?

Thanks, but I'll take PBS

Remind me to telephone ESPN and inform them that, during the 2006 NBA finals, no one really cares about watching the finals from 1987.

Fooooooshhhhhhhhh

In a certain city in America, I am the reason they stopped leaving the fire extinguishers outside and unattended at gas stations.

Politiki

Any society that functions through compromise will never be better than the lowest common denominator.

Yeah, well, I'm hungry

You know you're broke when someone invites you to an Amway sales function and you go for the free meal.